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Feuergott: Process, Lyrics, Story
Process:
Feuergott came into existence because I needed a piece for voice for one of my classes at Calarts, and found myself stuck. So I got started by sitting down and meditating for an hour, during which an older poem of mine came to my mind from which I could start writing and derive musical ideas as well as text for the singer.
First I drew a graphic chart of the poem. The chart showed the most important images of the poem on a timeline. I improvised with my violin, reading the poem line by line, and relating to the feelings expressed in it. Then I constructed the parts from these musical ideas.
Lyrics:
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du Feuergott hab ich wohl was falsch gemacht deine härenen Arme fallen nach unten hätt ich dich umarmen müssen küssen einfach irgendwas ? jetzt erzählst du von Freiheit und Raum und ich zähle traurig die Glasperlen im Spiegel gegenüber kein schlechtes Gewissen hast du das ist wunderbar trotzdem sitz ich hier und weine Nora Hoffmann ©1999 English Translation 2002 |
you Firegod I guess I did something wrong your armoured arms are falling down should I have hugged you kissed you simply something? now you talk about freedom and space and I sadly count the glass marbles in the mirror across the room you don’t have a guilty conscience that’s great nonetheless I sit here crying |
Story:
I wrote Feuergott (the poem) in 1999. I had decided to leave Germany to go pursue improvisation and composition at Mills College in California, and had one year to complete any unfinished business with things and people.
One of these was a man I considered the love of my life, and whom I thought to be my soulmate. I took heart and asked him if he wanted to spend this last year in Germany with me, and asked him to think about it. He didn’t get back to me for many months. I finally decided to have fun in the meantime and started an affair with a younger man whom I found quite adorable. To keep things clear with my “true” love, I met with him and told him that I was seeing the other. “I knew it,” he said. “You hadn’t decided, had you?” I asked. “I had, but I am not going to tell you anymore now,” he said. He determinedly kept refusing, and I grew more and more upset and restless. “What’s up with you, you’re somehow fidgety,” he noted. I told him how I was feeling as he kept not telling me, and he finally gave in. “Well, yes, but what does it matter?” “What does it matter?!!!!”
I went home and thought about it for a week, then met with him again and said: “Alright, I thought about it. Since you are the one whom I really want, I will break up with the lover and be with you, if it’s still true that you want to be with me.”
“No.”
“What? But didn’t you say last week…?!”
“Yes, but I have changed my mind. And I don’t have a guilty conscience, either.”